Posts tagged colonoscopy

I’m out.

I’m really groggy, and want to nap.

I’m waiting for Rachel to come git me.

They found one polyp which will likely be benign. Same thing happened last time. So I’ll be back here in 5 years.

Been farting like a tugboat. With bass boost. They pump air up there while they’re taking their pictures - has to come out!

These people have been super nice!

Whoa - letting one rip now. Daaaaaaamn!

A 40% off sale at Ann Taylor Loft (“did you buy EVERYTHING?”).

Cirrhosis.

“How you look so sexay today? Is that a new outfit?”

Tarjay.

“Do you have sleep apnea?”

“Did you drink all 3 bottles of the magnesium citrate? Best cocktail in the world, huh?”

“sometimes, I put fresh garlic in it - makes a world of difference. I just put it in the skillet.”

Stir fry! A wok is good or stir fry. I like Asian food.

So, yeah, chilling in the waiting area of the gastrointestinal department of Beth Israel Deaconness Medical Center. Like a boss, ya know.

A boss who was up all night experiencing what can only be described as a river of liquid pouring from my nethers.

I haven’t eaten anything in over 36 hours. I’ve shat the equivalent of the Amazon river. Ironically, but not surprisingly, I feel like shit! Food: essential for energy and general well being! Who knew, right?

I can’t wait until this is over. Rachel has to come get me. I can’t drive or, apparently, make any major decisions for the rest of the day. Hopefully the Ones won’t choose this afternoon to ask me for a car.

You know those cartoons with a hungry wolf or coyote that sees everything as a cooked chicken or a steak? Yeah, thats me. I AM SO HUNGRY!

Okay - going in. Have on my ass-breezer gown and everything. See you on the other side!

Commence Operation Anal Probe!

Oh, damn. I guess magnesium citrate really does work.

Wow. I had forgotten what this felt like. It’s just as unpleasant as it was 6 years ago.

I have to wake up at 3am to drink the rest of that stuff. Because the night, it belongs to lovers.

What was that sound my innards just made? Sounded like a foghorn!

I was supposed to go on a “low residue” diet 3 days before this thing, which was Tuesday.  But I was still in Trinidad, where the food is incredible, so fuck that, yeah?

Irony: preparation for a procedure designed to screen for colon cancer involves a diet that, if followed consistently, would likely give you colon cancer.  A “low residue” diet includes a whole bunch of refined foods, and one is not to eat anything grainy, fibrous, or good for you ish.  No raw fruits.  No raw veggies.  No whole grains.  White rice, overcooked stuff, and bland proteins, though?  All good.

Yesterday, I ate: 1 spinach and feta croissant, 1 Wendy’s Quarter Pounder with fries, some Goldfish (which I only realized was the whole wheat kind after I had stuffed my face), some white rice, and some bland-ass yellow curry with chicken.

Today, I have ingested: apple juice, black coffee.  Chicken stock and laxative for dinner.  I should be on fuckin’ Top Chef, yo!

Not eating?  Makes you lethargic.  Which is not good for the 21-chapter preparation I need to do for next Tuesday’s Organization Theory test.  It also robs you of an attention spanSQUIRREL!

I would SERIOUSLY like to go edit my outdoor shoot images of Natasha (soulsistrin) and Cavelle (rastabunny).  Damn Org Theory.

Did you know that you can wipe your ass so much that is gets tender, and hurts like hell when more crap comes out?  I did.  Because this is my second colonoscopy.  Colonoscopy prep SUCKS!

Beats colon cancer, though.

The only way to come back from 12 days in the Caribbean: a pure liquid diet today, laxatives all night, and a camera shoved up my ass first thing tomorrow.

Thanks, genes.

(Good thing I ate ALL THE THINGS in Trinidad.)