Life
Gary messaged me this morning to say that he had posted one of the pictures from our shoot that I had chosen. He wrote something really lovely underneath the first that brought me to tears (he tends to have that effect on me).
Several months ago I had to move out of my apartment because I was living with someone who did not respect my boundaries and insisted repeatedly that we should make our relationship sexual. I felt threatened and uncomfortable. I had to scramble to find a place quickly. It was my third move in as many years. My fifth move in 8 years. I have been struggling to find a place to call home.
I found a great place and I finally felt happy and comfortable, even though it was very expensive. A month later I got laid off from my job. And two months after that we discovered that my father had cancer. The odds are not in his favour. It’s been a lot to take.
Life has been rather challenging lately, but it’s just part of the struggle I’ve been dealing with for a very long time. Things have never quite fallen into place for me, professional or personally. The trajectory of my life has been unexpected. At 39, I’m not even remotely where I want to be in any part of my life.
I don’t think that life owes me anything. But I do think there should come a point where it levels out a bit. Where at least one part of your life is working. It hasn’t happened that way for me. Not yet at any rate. But I hope that trend changes and changes soon. Because I really need some good news at this point. Something has to give. Or else what gives is going to be me.
But something as simple as Gary sending me good vibes today made me cry. Because I feel so alone in dealing with all of this. I am single. And I have some amazing friends who are helping me through this but in the end I alone have to find a way to pick myself up every day and find something bigger than what is happening to me to help me get out of bed. And help me deal with the world around me which is still spinning on it’s axis as usual. Life goes on. And I have to find the strength to get out there and find a new job doing… something. And I have to find the strength to go to my parents’ home and contribute in a positive way to help everyone deal with what is happening to us all. I have to be strong. And being strong is something that I’m really, really good at. So good that most people don’t notice. They just think that’s me being regular old me. But it’s not. It’s something I have to reach inside and pull on. I decide every day to be strong and not stay in bed, not cry. I decide to be happy. I cannot afford not to be those things because I will fall apart. And I can’t afford to fall apart. Because there is no one there to put me back together. It is just me. And in a lot of ways it pretty much always has been.
Today Gary let me know that he sees me. He sees my struggle. He appreciated the time I spent with him. And he wishes the best for me. That mattered. It mattered to me a lot. It made me happy and grateful today. Today I feel a little less alone.
Reducing strong, beautiful women to tears (not to mention convincing them to model for me) since 1970, y’all! I AM CLEARLY NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH!
By the way - I did, and do, appreciate the time with Natasha. As I do her presence here, despite everything she’s dealing with.
*waving*
